The fear of the unpredictable and feeling vulnerable

“I’ll be the master of my own future only if I understand my past and accept change in my present.” ~ Sylvia Simone Gerssen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear truck drivers on the road due to old memories of accidents and near-accidents involving trucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project old memories of car accidents on current road events and already fearing in advance that things will not turn out okay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this fear of the unpredictability of truck drivers and become momentarily possessed by this fear while hitting my brakes to avoid a car crash when a truck driver changes lane. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the truck driver for his stupidity and not being able to estimate how much space he has available to insert on my lane while I am moving forward at high speed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the truck driver as an outflow of the fear I feel when I think I am about to have a car accident colored by my past memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so vulnerable as a little car compared by a big truck that can easily wipe me out and I start feeling and behaving accordingly as if I do not have any directive principles left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and feel myself vulnerable on the road and therefore distrust other road users.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already feel a tingling sensation in my body when I drive on a busy road with a lot of truck traffic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out on the tingling sensation that I define as fear and wanting to know what I am exactly afraid of. And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull myself into this fear, connect past events to it and take away my directive principle and hand it over to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as vulnerable and fear and not realising that I am making myself small and unable to think big and to include everything to get stable and direct this situation without being pulled back into memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the unpredictability of others so I will not be tested on my stance and stability in life when on the other hand I like to be unpredictable myself since that feels like being in control of the steering wheel while others unpredictability feels like being the co-driver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that life isn’t predictable when it comes to others in my reality, yet my own life is predictable when it comes to my past-present-future, where I already know what the outcome will be if I live and be in a certain way. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that my fear of truck drivers was created in the past, I thought I had dealt with it, but it came back to me in my present and it will determine my future if I move on now and not deal with it accordingly.

When and as I see myself going into projections of my past, I stop and breath. I realise that I will not be able to unravel all layers that are involved at ones, but it will prepare myself to prevent myself from going into total fear in my present and not fear the future when it comes to this one issue. I realise that I rather not judge my state of being in the present since that will not help me to enter a changed future. And so, I commit myself to understand and accept that there are still undealt layers from past accidents and near-accidents in my mind, yet by bringing them up in a similar event it will weaken me while I need to strengthen myself is such cases. And so, I commit myself to be as free from fear as possible by understanding myself and my mind so I can act in such a way that I am here and dealing with the situation on hand, like honking my car to make the truck driver aware that there is another car close by or use my headlights to signal and to be prepared on any given situation in traffic from a starting point of preparedness and not from a starting point of fear.

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