When giving and taking are out of balance.

When giving from a point of control, receiving will always be a disappointment.~ Sylvia Simone Gerssen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable withing giving more while not realising that it should be in balance with what I take or receive to not at some point backfire and creating unspoken expectations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me giving just that extra, out of enthusiasm and excitement, as a part of my comfort zone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be bothered by my almost non-taking and receiving in the process of giving up until the moment the balance between giving and taking goes through the roof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience giving as in control and taking and receiving as being depending on others which makes me feel vulnerable and absolutely out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when being on the receiving side, out of my comfort zone, in a way I like it, but just not knowing how to relate to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I never explored who I am as the receiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be in a vulnerable position as the receiver being aware/alert to any danger such as being disappointed on the receiving end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another’s giving before I receive thinking that it will not be much to get excited about. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when the receiving end is a true giving from another while I judge it beforehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly feel and think that when I give a lot, the other party should at some stage bring in their part to show any appreciation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not always unconditionally give when I do have underlying expectations and judgments beforehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to step out of the good feeling of giving a lot and thus not wanting to exit my comfort zone, I will never expand as a being and find true unconditional giving.

When and as I see myself giving a lot to others and the balance is off due to trying to keep in control while being in my comfort zone, I stop and breath. I realise that I’m not only for myself, but also for the other, setting both of us up for failure and backfiring. I realise that true unconditionally receiving might need some practice but will show me that being vulnerable on the receiving end will not mean that it is going to hurt me, it will enable me to grow and want to give in response, from a self-honest starting point to keep the natural law of balance balanced. And so, I commit myself to explore and practice true self-honest giving and taking, looking at the examples in my life where it did happen, and be self-honest when things do not work out, be gentle when I fail and to keep in mind that when I truly can commit to this I will be able to really interact with people where both can be fulfilled.

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